SONGSOPTOK: Is the subject of sex taboo in your own personal family and
friends circle? Do you talk freely about sex with your partner / children /
friends? If no, why? If yes, what exactly do you talk about? Take this as an
academic exercise, and do explain.
KALYAN: Sex is not a taboo
now in my close friends circle. In family circle, with some it's still a taboo
depending on the age difference and at times the relation. I talk freely about
sex with my partner and with most of the friends but not with my child till now
in all probability because of his age. I talk about all possible aspects of sex
with my partner. But with different friends I speak about sex at different
level.
SONGSOPTOK: In the society you live in, is the subject of sex a taboo? If
yes, how do you explain it? Is it because of the religion that is practiced in
your country? Or is because of your culture, or even the beliefs of the
political parties in power?
KALYAN: Yes it is still a
taboo. Religion has much to do with it as it has developed a moral code of
ethics on sexuality and the way it may be expressed openly. In many religions
the manner of practice of sex is also dictated. It has gone to the extent that
even positions of the mere act of sex is linked to the likings of
"god". Culture is also a great factor in making sex a taboo as
culture is greatly influenced by religion. Interestingly I find there is a
great discrimination between male and female folks as far as we can accept the
openness about sex in preaching and practicing. This is a deep-rooted syndrome
and has its origin in religion and culture. It is noteworthy that economic conditions play
crucial role in this context. Interestingly, at least in this part of the world
we find that in the economically weaker sections of the society sex is less of
a taboo. It will probably not be out of context to mention that initially in
Hindu religion sex was not a taboo as is found in mythology, art and sculpture.
Over the years the society clamped more and more restrictions on sex in the
name of religion and culture. I wonder whether it is to have a control on the
number of off-springs or to ensure a more secured family. But I strongly
believe that sex-related taboos are widely against females mostly because of
their anatomical structure and physiological properties. Women are developed
physically to facilitate giving birth and the act of sex is obviously
interlinked with this. Another fact I wish to mention is that that sex is
pleasurable only in case of human being in the whole animal world. In all other
cases it is a compulsion and in many cases like bees etc it is followed by
death of the male partner. And since religion tried to take control on all the
sources of pleasure in life - that's how probably sex became a primordial
taboo. It's a long topic – but I have to stop now.
SONGSOPTOK: Do you think that the society today is more permissive compared
to the time you were growing up? Do you think it is a good thing? Please let us
have your detailed opinion.
KALYAN: Yes, the society is
opening up fast. I really do not know what is good or bad for a society. I see
it from a different angle. When a society changes it changes because it needs
the change. Whether it is good or bad only time can tell - or can even time
tell? The society is really becoming more permissive. Spouses are not now
expecting their partners to remain virgin till marriage. Masturbation is not a
taboo. Homosexuality is being discussed quite openly. And so on.
SONGSOPTOK: Do you think that a permissive society is dangerous for
teenagers, both girls and boys? Or is it on the contrary a good thing since it
demystifies sexual acts and makes them look at it as something mundane and
normal? Is that a good or a bad thing?
KALYAN: No, a permissive
society is not at all dangerous for teenagers. But let me point out something
very different if you allow me. While a society does give a physical security
to a child, a society also comes with its own baggage. Any society in the name
of social norms imposes a whole lot of constraints and burdens on humans and
thus tries to control the mental upbringing of a child. It is the society that
makes a child a Hindu, a Muslim or a Christian and thus transmits to them all
the taboos. That way it moulds the virgin mind and turns them into a societal
member and does not allow them to remain a man or a woman. Demystifying sexual acts? Do you think sexual
acts are all about sex? No! The act itself constitutes only a small part of the
concept of sex. The thought process involved with sex and the philosophy of sex
all are sprinkled with taboos. Discussing openly about sex is just another
aspect of it. For example, how many people know that "female on top"
position is liked by most males only when "he" wants it, but not
whenever “she” may want it! Chauvinistic – yet so true - we males love to be
dominated only as long as we want it! Dominance shown by a female partner may
not be tolerated!
SONGSOPTOK: History
tells us that sex was not taboo in ancient societies. What, in your opinion, is
the genesis of this attitude? Do you think that the rise of patriarchal
societies all over the world is the main reason, where man gradually started
looking upon the woman as his own property? Or is it mainly religious, where
woman was treated as the root of all evils?
KALYAN: I already hinted at
the genesis. It is sheer male dominance, the will to control birth etc which
led to sex becoming a taboo subject. In ancient times we needed to grow fast –
so sex was not a taboo. Then came a time when growth had to be controlled. Yes, even today men think women as their
property. Men are physically stronger than women. I believe nature made it so –
since men needed strength to pump their seeds into the female body to give
birth to a new life. I wonder what would have happened if nature designed women
as the stronger humans who could suck the seeds out of men – and create life
within them. Had nature not divided the power of sowing seeds and nurture life
into two bodies – but endowed women with both strength to draw the seeds and the
power to nurture life within them – would men be still able to dominate over
women? I doubt. With muscle power on their side, men treat women as the root of
all evils – their eternal escape route for all their vices.
SONGSOPTOK: Do you believe sexual attitudes and acts to be normal like all
other bodily functions or do you think that there is a special significance to
sexual acts? In other words, do sexual acts need to be couched in special
sentiments and sanctified by the institution of marriage? What is your own
experience? What is the experience of people close to you?
KALYAN: To be fair –
initially I did think that dinning together and getting physical pleasure
through the taste buds, speaking together and getting pleasure through ears are
equivalent to getting sexual pleasure by mere rubbing of skins. I lost many
friends specially ladies for this. But then, over time I realized that sexual
act is unique in the sense that it is related to create lives, to give birth.
Sharing a common story. A woman goes to bed with her boyfriend, defying all
social norms and is filled with ecstasy, throwing caution to the wind. The next
morning, when the social norms dawn on them, the lady gulps a birth-control
pill and goes into depression – as she feels terrible to kill the possibility
of a life created by her boyfriend in her womb. A child is not only another
life – it is a continuation of their love. That is the uniqueness of sex from
all other physical activities. The sanctity of marriage is fading away fast. Sex
is getting freed from the shackles of marriage. That is the experience of
people close to me. Marriage is about responsibilities. Sex comes with love, as
a natural consequence of the wish to give oneself completely.
SONGSOPTOK: In your opinion, does the taboo about sex give rise to
repressive societies where men and women feel obliged to curb their natural
instincts and take recourse to abuse, rape or incest?
KALYAN: The society is
still now heavily lopsided against women as far as taboos of sex are concerned.
Men and women are basically beasts. They are human only through the "
controls" they subject themselves to. Animals are polygamous by nature.
Given the opportunity, humans would also be the same. Opportunities are indeed
increasing these days.
SONGSOPTOK: This brings us to the issue of violence against women in
different societies, where women and girls are abused and raped on a regular
basis by members of their own families. Do you think that the taboo about sex
is the main reason for such behavior? Would a change in attitudes actually make
a difference to the position of women in such societies?
KALYAN: Yes the taboo is a
cause. But even if there is no taboo this will not decrease, as torturing the
weak is a basic animal instinct. So the security of women from their own male
folks will not come only if the taboos are gone. Change in attitude will come
only if we have the strength to control ourselves – through education, through
awareness.
SONGSOPTOK: Have media in general and Internet in particular played a role
in either enhancing or diminishing the taboo about sex? In what way?
KALYAN: Yes, to a great
extent. But please note that taboos are not diminished in most cases, they are
simply replaced.
SONGSOPTOK: Do you think that ultimately sex is all about power and
domination, both for men and women? Why? What is your personal experience?
KALYAN: To a large section
of society sex is about power and domination. That's the way it has been – and
it will take time to change. Men have been taught to think like that. Women
have been taught to submit. Personally I am far away from this. To me sex is an
expression of love. I do not believe in sex without love. My love completes
itself into sex. It terminates there and fulfills itself. And I know many
people like me.
KALYAN MUKHOPADHYAY: A Master IN Physics - An IPS officer
by profession - ageed 52 (on the rising side). Life to him is about endless fun
and joy.
We sincerely thank you for your time and hope
we shall have your continued support.
Aparajita Sen
(EDITOR)
Songsoptok
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