It was her way of protesting
the worst and biggest decision she ever made in her life; by not using her
husband’s name, even after ten years of staying in less than a blissful life of
marriage. Leila Morales. It was her name. No, it was not even hers. It was her
father’s name too. And with that Leila resented it even more. So what was
really hers? Orson, her son. Nobody could take that fact. She could deny his
father, but she was so sure of her being the mother. She was just sorry that
she could not give her name to Orson. Ah, laws foolishness. She nurtured him
for nine months, although she abhorred it before, thinking him as a mere
choice, not a life itself. She Friday morning. Gray clouds hung on late September.
It started to drizzle. Leila could not get up of bed. She was staring blankly
on the wall. Her mother did not say anything. They had silent understanding and
regrets. Leila knew she disappointed her mother very much. Her mother wanted
her to pursue higher studies so as not to become just like a simple clerk like
her late father. And this was not the kind of wedding she was dreaming for
Leila.
When Orlando Guillermo
proposed to her after knowing that she was pregnant, she could not say yes or
no. Actually, it was not really Orlando who proposed to her, but his parents.
Her mother did not push her to agree. She just looked at her, waiting for her
decision on that Thursday evening that the Guillermo family came to seek her
hand. Leila did not remember agreeing to anything. Again, it was Orlando’s
father who decided for the marriage. It would be tomorrow, Friday, a civil
wedding ceremony, no fuss and frills. The judge would not be around for the
next few days, his father said. Just to make everything legal…for the baby to
have a name…It was more like for the baby…for the sake of name! They did not
even ask them if they really love each other, or the making of the baby was
just an accident. She was dazed by the abruptness of everything. At 23, she
could not see herself being a mother, much more a wife. Making love she knew
was just only a part of being a wife but for her it was more of a biological
need, just like the way she craved for chocolate or ice cream.
There were just his sister,
his parents, her mother and two witnesses to attest that the wedding was taking
place. When the judge asked her the very infamous line of the ceremony: “Do you
accept Orlando as your husband?” she almost fainted, but still managed to nod.
“Please say it,” the judge said. “Yes”, the word barely escaped her lips.
Then they sealed the ceremony
with a light kiss. Orlando slipped a simple wedding band through her finger.
The baby was born a week
before Christmas. Orlando named him Orson.
“Orson, come here son,” she
lovingly called the boy. Orson carefully placed the book on the table and went
to his mother.
“Why, mama?” It was obvious
that he did not want to be disturbed from his reading.
“Umm, I just want to talk,”
she said smiling.
“Ok, go ahead,” the boy said and sat beside her on the
sofa. Orson was straightforward, a trait she envied.
“What will you do if mama and
papa do not want to live together anymore?”
Orson arched his eyebrows. He
looked every inch like his father, “Well, I will live with my grannies and
grandpa.” Then he looked at her intently. His gaze piercing her heart. “Why are
you asking me that?”
“Just in case, you know…” now
she was afraid to continue.
“Do you want to leave papa or
he wants to leave us?”
“No, Orson. It’s just…I’m just
asking your opinion…nothing. Forget it,” she dismissed him. The boy shrugged
his shoulders and went back to his book.
Although it was very late, she
could not sleep. The sharp words of Orlando kept echoing in her mind: If you
can’t stand me anymore, the more I can’t stand you! A long time ago! You just
wait for the kid to grow up and I’ll quit! He said it seven years ago when they
have a terrible fight about his night prowls always saying that he was not
doing anything wrong and just happened to hang around with his co-workers at
the law firm. Since then, she remained silent, whenever Orlando came home very
late, always hoping that the threat would happen one day. After a few days,
Orlando apologized. She remembered it again because Orson could understand
whatever decisions she could make.
But that is fifteen years ago.
Leila wipes the wedding picture. She was wearing that foolish white dress from
her mother’s wardrobe. On her face pasted a forced smile. Orlando was wearing a
pin-striped long sleeved. He was smiling too. She never knows whether it is
real or not. She puts the frame on the table. She lovingly holds the framed
photo of Orson when he was a year old. What a handsome boy! She smiles,
remembering the many firsts in his life.
Leila feels her hands. The
wedding band no longer fitted on her finger. She put it away ten Decembers ago.
Orson gave her a diamond ring to replace it. She cannot wear it daily, only
when she feels lonely, to feel the nearness of her son, like today. She slips
the ring on her right index finger. She smiles.
So many things happened during
those years. She cannot recount most of them. All she knows, she remains in the
house, waiting for Orlando to come home. She waits for him to leave. Yet he
keeps coming home. He is after all comfortable with her silence and patience.
Leila remains because of Orson; the bond that ties her to Orlando; the bond
that she loves more than anything else; even her freedom. Now, Orson is gone, a
doctor in the city. She is virtually alone with Orlando.
Leila goes to her room. She
pulls the drawer and brings out the jewelry box. She takes the wedding band,
wraps it in a small cloth. Then she goes out to the garden. She takes a shovel
and digs.
[EUNICE BARBARA C. NOVIO]
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