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IULIA GHERGHEI

SONGSOPTOK THE WRITERS BLOG | 7/15/2015 |



Songsoptok: ‘Marriage is a lifelong symphony with one central theme but the music is played in anew everyday’ – this is a rough translation of a line from a short story by Rabindranath Tagore. Do you feel that this comment, made in a period dominated by Victorian romanticism, is true today?
IULIA: Yes, I do think so! Marriage is a symphony! My only amendment is that the roles of the conductor and lead violin must be, at all time, interchangeable...

Songsoptok: What, in your opinion, is the real chemistry of an intimate relationship? Do you think that the social institution of marriage is based on that chemistry?
IULIA:  In a intimate relationship are all kind of chemistries: hormonal or of a more  subtle nature, the social institution of marriage has a history by itself, somehow different, having more prosaic goals, like union of fortunes for example, nothing intimate here:) Nowadays there is indeed a tendency that the intimate chemistry of a couple to become the base of the social marriage institution.

Songsoptok:  What according to you are the main factors for keeping marital relationship alive and healthy?
IULIA: The main factor is respect. Losing it the partnership is over. Love, passion, lust all fade due to the passing of the time, if we build bridges of respect amongst us any type of relation will last, alive and healthy altoghther.

Songsoptok: Very often we see that a happy marital relationship results when one of the partners surrender to the other’s ego. Do you think this is how it should be? Especially since it is most often the woman that surrenders to the man, or more generally to the patriarchal system?
IULIA: We have a saying in Romania: One is not stupid enough if one is not full of ego... in other words the smart one surrenders for he has a bigger perspective over things, but in my view that is not a happy marriage. This patriarchal system will touch its limits sooner or later, there are places on this planet where this thing already happened, in the most civilized places of the planet...

Songsoptok: Tolstoy said in his story THE KREUTZER SONATA “... a marriage without love is no marriage at all, that only love sanctifies marriage, and that the only true marriage is that sanctified by love”. We all agree that this is how it should be. That there should not be a tragic end to any marriage. What is the reason then for the increasing number of divorces in all societies?
IULIA:  First thing first, a divorce is not a tragic end of a marriage. A murder is. A divorce can be a friendly and civilized end of a marriage, depends of the quality of the people involved. The increasing number of divorces might be due the fact people understood that love is a hormonal manifestation, and if not doubled by other condiments, it will evaporate in a particular  period of time and having only one life, they better split and find new opportunities to meet love... The right to pursuit the happiness is fundamental

Songsoptok: By the word ‘marriage’ we generally think of a well defined relationship built on the tenet of spending the entire life together. Do you think that this in itself creates a type of suffocation which leads to break-ups and divorces?
IULIA:  It might create such a suffocation, especially for men, though, from my experience speaking, I had many panic attacks thinking that I have to live a lifetime with my husband. Meanwhile problem solved, I am happily divorced! And I was fast and smart enough to do it when my kid was 3 months old, so she doesn't really suffer due to his absence... By the way, his absence and indifference were the motives for the divorce in the first place...

Songsoptok:  In a very general way, marriage is understood as the cohabitation of man and woman with a view to reproduction. Can this narrow and very physical dimension be the essence of marriage? Doesn’t the success of marriage depends also on a communion between the personality, psychology and above all the soul of the married couple? What is your opinion? Do you think that in modern society such a definition of marriage is relevant and realistic?
IULIA: Maybe yes, maybe not!!! There are layers of this marriage thing. Primarily, the instinct rules. All these thousands of years of civilization are only coating an ugly truth: we are in search of our immortality and for now the only way to find it, it is by reproduction.

Songsoptok: It seems that in today’s society the clash of personalities, especially within marriage, is an unpleasant reality. Almost 100 years back, D.H.Lawrence said in Lady Chatterley's Lover “The modern cult of personality is excellent for friendship between sexes, and fatal for marriage”. In other words, he thought that the development of woman’s personality is actually a hindrance to successful marriage. What is your opinion? Do you think that it is the inability of the patriarchal society to tolerate the independence of women the main reason for the marital conflicts in today’s society?
IULIA: Yes, I do believe that. How can a man accept an equal in his yard when he was taught that the woman must be his slave, something even less important than his sheep...

Songsoptok: Do you think that society perceives a divorced man and woman in the same way? Most of the time we see that the woman is blamed for not making the necessary compromises. So the implicit assumption is that the success of a marriage is directly related to the woman’s capacity to compromise. What is you view?
IULIA:  Yes, I agree, the patriarchal society does discriminates women in all issues, not only divorce or marriage. For a marriage to be successful it needs a joint effort. Too many compromises in a marriage equals unhappy marriage, in other words, hell on Earth ! And why not to blame the women when it is so comfortable to do it?!

Songsoptok: Do you think that divorce affects the conscious and the subconscious of the children? What, according to you, could be the effect of a divorce in their adult lives, positive or negative?
IULIA: The divorce affects everybody, it is a bitter pill for all if not managed in a civilized manner. I tend to think it has a positive impact on the long run, in their adult lives they will be more selective when it comes to settle in.

Songsoptok:  Generally it is the mother who takes care of the children following a divorce. Although children need their mother more while growing up, what kind of impact can the absence of a father figure have on a growing child? So what according to you should be the role of the mother?
IULIA:  The mother covers all roles. She has infinite reservoirs of love so she can make the father's absence unnoticeable ... All it takes is love!

Songsoptok: What according to you could be the impact of the growing number of divorces on the next generations? Or do you think this is the way tomorrow’s society will evolve?
IULIA: I think this divorce frenzy it will pass. People get old, their children witnessed all the divorce shows, so they will be smarter when choosing a partner,   maybe the marriage institution will disappear but relationships no way, our immortality wish is stronger :) 


IULIA GHERGHEI: POET





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