Let me say at the very outset that I am not comfortable with the wording
of the current issue of our blog – ‘From marriage to Divorce – the journey of
an intimate relationship’. There are several assumptions made in this statement
- that an intimate relationship can exist only within a marriage, that marriage
is the starting point of a journey, that divorce actually marks the end of that
journey. I refute all these assumptions and would like to present a different
viewpoint. I am neither a social anthropologist, nor a social scientist, and I
shall not even attempt to provide a savant discourse on this issue. My
opinions, as expressed in this article, derive from my own observations &
experience.
I shall first start with the word ‘intimate’. What indeed is an intimate
relationship? The word ‘intimate’, in the form used here, comes from the Latin
word ‘intimus, meaning ‘innermost’. When
applied to relationships, it means, according to the dictionary, ‘having a very
close relationship - very warm and friendly; very personal or private;
involving sex or sexual relations. So an intimate relationship can belong to
any of the above categories, or a combination, or all three. However, an
‘intimate’ relationship, in common usage, often signifies a sexual
relationship. The word ‘intimate’ is rarely used to define a relationship
between siblings or friends. This is why marriage is deemed to be an ‘intimate’
relationship, because of sexual relations between partners. Which in turn
raises the question as to whether a sexual relationship is a necessary and
sufficient condition for an intimacy? It is necessary, certainly, but does not
seem to be sufficient in modern society. Other types of incompatibilities,
intellectual, emotional, financial and sometimes religious are often cited as
causes for a broken relationship which, in the case of married couples, often
end in divorce.
So if we take the physical & sexual relationship between man &
woman as a major component of the so-called ‘intimate’ relationship, why is the
institution of marriage at all necessary? Why do people get married in the first
place, especially since in most societies all types of relationships are legal
and permissible today? Should not the institution of marriage disappeared by
now in most countries? But it has not. This makes me wonder what the causes can
be. Religion certainly plays a major role – marriage is sanctified in all
religions, and whether we practice or not, the tenets of the religion are
firmly anchored in our mental makeup. In other words, getting married
implicitly means that the relationship is ‘blessed’ by whatever God one prays
to. It does not matter where or how the wedding takes place – temple, church,
mosque, and synagogue, or in any other ‘abode of god’ or simply in a prosaic
office building – the relationship between two individuals get sanctified by god
or by society. Security is probably another major reason – a marriage is a
social, economical, legal & moral contract that gives a set of rights to
each contracting party. Responsibilities as well, but I shall deal with that
point later. Now till a few decades back, marriage was the only way to benefit
from such a contract - ‘from this day forward, for better, for worse, for
richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until
death do us part’. Whereas the wedding vows are differently worded in different
religions, the basic idea is the same. A lifelong contract, come what may.
Except that these days the legal systems in different countries give the same
rights to couples who live together, whether they are married or not and
irrespective of their sex – same sex couples enjoy exactly the same rights as
others : legal and financial rights ensuring economic and financial security to
both partners. So in my opinion, the institution of marriage promises something
that goes beyond the mere issue of worldly goods. Marriages, after all, are
supposed to be made in heaven, so goods & chattel, undoubtedly important,
can’t be the only reasons.
I think that it is the moral contract that plays the all important role,
the promise to love and cherish, to stand together through good times and bad,
to share the happiness and the sorrows, to face the vicissitudes of life
together. Maybe the marriage vows, spoken out loud and clear in front of an
assembly of people or even an officer of law, are deemed to be more powerful
and binding than a whole load of legal documents signed in the private offices
or courts of law. Maybe a promise made in front of third parties is considered
sacred. Maybe the idea of a sacred union, sealed by artifacts – a piece of
jewelry, a veil, a vermilion dot – have a special effect on those who get
married. In the Western society, I have often noticed that couples get married
when they decide to have children. So maybe somewhere deep own the idea of
procreation is still linked to the religious traditions of the yore.
Which makes me wonder – if marriage is perceived to be so special and
sacred, why do they break up? What makes men and women break the promises they
made to each other and to the society? What overpowering factors force them to
break up, irrespective of the time they spend as a married couple? Of course,
there can be no generalization as to the reasons – they are unique to each
couple. But the consequences are often the same - bitterness and acrimony, lack
of trust, suffering children. The price a married couple pays for a divorce or
a separation is very high indeed, both in monetary and emotional terms. I think
it can be safely assumed that such a decision is not taken lightly in most
cases. So what are these overwhelming reasons?
This makes me come back to one of the questions that I raised in the
beginning of this article – can marriage be considered as a ‘journey’? Life in
itself is a journey, so is marriage a subset of that? Is it a journey or lack
of one, which is in direct opposition to our subconscious desire to move on? As
far as I am concerned, these are complicated questions and I have no answers. I
can only chronicle what I have seen and felt. I feel that when marriage
actually integrates the life’s journey of the partners, taking into account
their individual motives and destinations, it is often a success. If marriage
is perceived to be a separate journey that runs parallel to the individual
voyages, things become more complicated, because then there are at least two
sets of goals for each partner, and couples often struggle to meet them all. I
think that is when the first rift in the marriage appears, and the necessity to
compromise soon becomes an impossible burden to bear. Because such compromise
often jeopardizes the possibility of attaining individual goals precious to
each protagonist. Even when both partners participate willingly, which may not
always be the case, there is a deep seated regret that quickly grows corrosive.
And then starts the battle of egos and self interests which snowballs rapidly
into direct ugly conflicts and most often result in a termination of the
marriage and the moral contract.
Let us be lucid here. It is a myth that marriages are made in heaven.
They are not. In some societies like India, a marriage is before and above a
business deal between two families, especially when they are arranged. The
prospective bride and groom come last in the scheme of things. Often they don’t
even have a chance to meet before the ceremony and hence go straight to the
wedding bed. So here we have two entities that don’t have the faintest notion
about each other, thrust on a combined journey, in a complicated derivative of
the patriarchal society where the woman is expected to make all the necessary
adjustments and sacrifices to keep the marriage alive in most cases. Brought up
to be submissive, the Indian woman puts up with all sorts of pressures, and
often abuse, to stay in a relationship that brings her no personal fulfillment.
Very often, she is dependent on men – her father before marriage, her husband
after marriage and then her son if she has one. She does not simply have the
means to walk out of any relationship and bears the burden silently in most
cases.
Now on to the last question – does divorce signify the end of a
‘journey’ that started with marriage? As far as I am concerned, divorce is a
legal term that seals the act of ending a relationship and grants a degree of
independence to the couple to lead their lives as they choose. On the ruins of
a broken home, traumatized children and a certain amount of social ostracism,
depending on where they live. Can anyone really shake off a marriage and
continue as if it was just a temporary affair? I think not. A marriage leaves
in its wake a lot of responsibilities, especially if there are children. Each
parent need to accept the responsibility for the well being of the children.
This, in the society I live in, is a constant source of friction and
negotiation. The kids are shuttled from one place to another depending on the
convenience of the parents and their current partners. The parents, now no
longer together and probably reluctant to communicate with their ex-spouses,
are forced to maintain some sort of contact for the sake of the kids, resenting
it every moment, and taking out the frustration on the poor hapless children.
Kids spoilt rotten, each parent trying to assuage their guilt by plying
children with lavish unnecessary gifts but often absent at the crucial moments
of crisis. Deprived of a normal home, children often learn to play on the guilt
of the parents, sometimes playing one against the other, consciously or
unconsciously. A divorce leaves a permanent scar on all concerned, especially
on children. Maybe it is better than children growing up in a totally
dysfunctional family – that is what I’d like to believe.
I am neither for nor against marriage. I do not believe that marriage is
indispensable for happiness. I do not believe that there is anything special
about the institution of marriage. I do not believe that the relationship
between two persons needs to be sanctified by the state or any religious
institution. But I do believe that we go through life looking for our missing
halves that will make our lives perfect, and if we are lucky, we do find them.
Not always, not systematically. But it does happen. And it has got absolutely
nothing to do with marriage, but is a pure communion of body & soul.
Aparajita Sen
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