SONGSOPTOK: ‘Marriage is a lifelong symphony with one central theme but the
music is played in anew everyday’ – this is a rough translation of a line from
a short story by Rabindranath Tagore. Do you feel that this comment, made in a
period dominated by Victorian romanticism, is true today?
ZAPALSKA: Yes, of course that's
true and symphony of life is played in anew everyday, the rhythm is
variable though. However, the most important if spouses are
able to play it in the same rhythm, even though they play two
different instruments. Rabindranth Tagore also said: "People
forget that marriage is an art, it should be updated every day."
SONGSOPTOK: What, in your opinion, is the real chemistry of an intimate
relationship? Do you think that the social institution of marriage is based on
that chemistry?
ZAPALSKA: To my mind
"real chemistry" evokes a very unique and delightful state when
two people can feel like one soul in two separated bodies. They can speak with
the eyes and simply communicate with the body language. But such a divine
phaze is passing and can exist only in a short period of time. It's
rather connects with the infatuation than a marriage.According to the
anthropologist Helen Fisher "love is like a drug." A passion as
well as sex and drug are very short- term with a short effect when a
marriage is based on constant Love just like a "lifelong
symphony."
SONGSOPTOK: What according to you are the main factors for keeping marital
relationship alive and healthy?
ZAPALSKA: In my opinion the
fundamental factors for happy marital relationship are based on trust, respect,
understanding, loyalty and spousal support. On the other hand quite
needed is also ability to forgiveness and ability to apologies.
SONGSOPTOK: Very often we see that a happy marital relationship results when
one of the partners surrender to the other’s ego. Do you think this is how it
should be? Especially since it is most often the woman that surrenders to the
man, or more generally to the patriarchal system?
ZAPALSKA: It is a very difficult
question. I think it depends on the relation between a wife and her husband.
The most important is Love and happiness of both of them and nothing is wrong
as long as it's wrapped in the agreement of characters...According to me
friendship and partnership is a very strong foundation of a marital
relationship.
SONGSOPTOK: Tolstoy said in his story THE KREUTZER SONATA “... a
marriage without love is no marriage at all, that only love sanctifies
marriage, and that the only true marriage is that sanctified by love”. We all
agree that this is how it should be. That there should not be a tragic end
to any marriage. What is the reason then for the increasing number of
divorces in all societies?
ZAPALSKA: I totally agree with the
Tolstoy's words. He also said: "The only happy marriages I know are
arranged ones." I think the
increasing number of divorces in all societies is connected to the dying out of
values which really matter in human life...As Saint John Paul II said:
" The great danger for family life, in the midst of any society whose
idols are pleasure, comfort and independence, lies in the fact that people
close their heart and become selfish."
SONGSOPTOK: By the word ‘marriage’ we generally think of a well defined
relationship built on the tenet of spending the entire life together. Do you
think that this in itself creates a type of suffocation which leads to
break-ups and divorces?
ZAPALSKA: A marriage it's a very big
responsibility for another human.This is an act of will, so everyone
should knows it's not for a while, but for an entire life. Divorce is both very personal and all too common. A
recent survey found that the most common reason given for divorce was
lack of commitment (73% said this was a major reason)
SONGSOPTOK: In a very general way, marriage is understood as the
cohabitation of man and woman with a view to reproduction. Can this narrow and
very physical dimension be the essence of marriage? Doesn’t the
success of marriage depends also on a communion between the
personality, psychology and above all the soul of the married couple? What
is your opinion? Do you think that in modern society such a definition of
marriage is relevant and realistic?
ZAPALSKA: I guess the essence of a
marriage is reflected in oneness as a strong bond that ties two individuals.
It's a companion for life and for eternity. And of course a marriage depends
also on a communion. As I have mentioned above a lack of communion is the
most frequent reason given for divorce.
SONGSOPTOK: It seems that in today’s society the clash of personalities,
especially within marriage, is an unpleasant reality. Almost 100 years back,
D.H.Lawrence said in Lady Chatterley's Lover “The modern cult of
personality is excellent for friendship between sexes, and fatal for marriage”.
In other words, he thought that the development of woman’s personality is
actually a hindrance to successful marriage. What is your opinion? Do you think
that it is the inability of the patriarchal society to tolerate the
independence of women the main reason for the marital conflicts in today’s
society?
ZAPALSKA: A patriarchal socjety consists of a male-
dominated power structure, so it can be very difficult to tolerate the
independence of women. But t's possible after accepting new duties and
responsibility. However it's needed a compromise of both sides and also
some personal freedom should be relinquisted.
SONGSOPTOK: Do you think that society perceives a divorced man and woman in
the same way? Most of the time we see that the woman is blamed for not
making the necessary compromises. So the implicit assumption is that
the success of a marriage is directly related to the woman’s capacity to
compromise. What is you view?
ZAPALSKA: In my opinion it depends
on the country, especially on the culture and mentality of people. In some
countries divorces are too common, so nobody even asks about real
reason of parting. I agrre with the words of Rosamunde Pilcher, she
said in the"Wild Mountain Thyme" that "it's never one
person's fault. It's the sum total of a thousand little irritations,
disagreements, idiotic details that in a sound alliance would simply be
disregarded, or forgotten in the healing act of making love. Divorce isn't a
cure, it's a surgical operation, even if there are no children to
consider."
SONGSOPTOK: Do you think that
divorce affects the conscious and the subconscious of the children? What,
according to you, could be the effect of a divorce in their adult lives,
positive or negative?
ZAPALSKA:. Every divorce
affects very negatively the lives of children. This is so stressful and they
may become lost, anxious and depressed. According to many psychologists
children who experienced the divorce of parents are at higher risk of facing
the same situation in their own marriage.
SONGSOPTOK: Generally it is the mother who takes care of the children
following a divorce. Although children need their mother more while growing up,
what kind of impact can the absence of a father figure have on a growing child?
So what according to you should be the role of the mother?
ZAPALSKA: There's no doubt
that children need both parents and certainly growing up without a father
due to divorce is associated with the negative effects,
because children never get divorced from their divorced parents. I
guess every mother does all the best to support children to make them feel
loved and safe. But also many parents need more support of the social
institutions in regard to how to face up to a new situation.
SONGSOPTOK: What according to you could be the impact of the growing number
of divorces on the next generations? Or do you think this is the
way tomorrow’s society will evolve?
ZAPALSKA: There are many neo-
communism organisations today which aim at the degradation of fmilies,
traditions and nations, but this all leads to blind alley, to depersonalize
people and manipulate them. After all, human needs constant values, which
are based on strong faith in God at all, but growing number of
divorces is one of the main causes of degradation of morality. Long
time ago famous singer Anna German said:"A man shouldn't do anything
against himself, against own convictions and character, against main values
that really matter in life..."
We sincerely thank you for your time and hope we shall have your
continued support.
Aparajita Sen
(EDITOR: Songsoptok)
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