Songsoptok: ‘Marriage is a lifelong symphony with one central theme
but the music is played in anew everyday’ – this is a rough translation of a
line from a short story by Rabindranath Tagore. Do you feel that this comment,
made in a period dominated by Victorian romanticism, is true today?
GITA ASSEFI: How
nicely and romantically Rabindranath Tagore, the famous poet and painter of the
Victorian era has defined marriage. Each time you read this quote, it sounds
like music into your ears. A soothing answer to such a nice but at the same
time challenging bindings as marriage. I believe that it is too difficult and
too optimistic if we think of this quote as a reflection of what family lives
are in our time. We have entered a new era of technology and globalization
which sadly has a formidable impact on our communication and relationship. The
less we communicate, the less we can have an understanding of the needs and the
requirements of our spouse. But as any
issue, it is the mind and the creativity of mind for every individual that can
make good things happen. We cannot expect of a marriage as a steady journey
where the couple tend to live happily ever after but we can make changes in our
expectations and insight towards this bindings so that to make it work for our
good. Let us not forget that marriage wasn’t as nicely portrayed by the artists
and the poets in the Victorian times. Inside the seemingly happy figures as
depicted in the paintings back then, there was a sad side to it. This is very similar
to what most of the surviving marriage institutions are nowadays
Songsoptok: What, in your opinion, is the
real chemistry of an intimate relationship? Do you think that the social
institution of marriage is based on that chemistry?
GITA ASSEFI: .
Let us make a division between infatuation that has
a lot of chemical effects on the brain to mutual understanding and love. Most
of us fall into the trap of mixing the first for the latter. That’s why most of
the psychologists suggest the couples who have newly met to spend some time
getting to know each other before they involve in a sexual relationship which
blinds them of truly understanding a person.
Songsoptok: What according to you are the main factors for
keeping marital relationship alive and healthy?
GITA ASSEFI: I think
we need to have a great understanding of our opposite gender. This even should
go into the syllabus of the schools. We need to understand that men are so
different than women in terms of their thinking and approach to certain issues.
Later, we need to be ready to show kindness, love and understanding and a
certain level of sacrifice for a marriage to last. Nowadays, sadly eveything
can be discarded in a second and thrown to the garbage bin.
Songsoptok: Very often we see that a happy
marital relationship results when one of the partners surrender to the other’s
ego. Do you think this is how it should be? Especially since it is most often
the woman that surrenders to the man, or more generally to the patriarchal
system?
GITA ASSEFI: . Patriarchal system usually keeps its sustainability when
the woman is economically poor and needs the man for the continuity of her
life. Nowadays, women started being very successful in business and they have achieved
their independence but we still have examples of Patriarchal families and
happiness is absolutely not a term used for them. I think they just keep appearances
to fulfil the task of what their near society asks them to do. For a marriage
to be happy, it is ought to be built on strong footholds and one of these
footholds is equality.
Songsoptok: Tolstoi said in his story THE
KREUTZER SONATA “... a marriage without love is no marriage at all, that only
love sanctifies marriage, and that the only true marriage is that sanctified by
love”. We all agree that this is how it should be. That there should not be a
tragic end to any marriage. What is the reason then for the increasing number
of divorces in all societies?
GITA ASSEFI: I
absolutely agree with Tolstoy. Although not necessarily every relationship that
is rooted in love is bound to last for the
lifetime but as Elizabeth Gilberth says in her book “Committed”, ‘ It is
the prerogative of all humans to make ludicrous choices, to fall in love with
the most unlikely of partners and to set themselves up for the most predictable
of calamities’. I would say yes to love
when after all it is a short life that we have and I don’t think we can have a
definite worldwide solution to our blunders rather than trying our best to know
a person well as well as showing some patience and love for our relationship to
work for us without having great
expectations that it will 100 percent work as nothing in the world comes with a guarantee paper.
Songsoptok: By the word ‘marriage’ we
generally think of a well defined relationship built on the tenet of spending
the entire life together. Do you think that this in itself creates a type of
suffocation which leads to break-ups and divorces?
GITA ASSEFI: Yes, definitely.
It will result in feeling suffocated and thus fosters the tragic ending. I
think the best marriage is the one in which there is some kind of freedom and
space for every spouse with the maturity level that no relationship may last
forever. However, I highly believe that with the right proportion of love and
understanding and definitely space, a marriage can last long.
Songsoptok: In a very general way, marriage is understood as the
cohabitation of man and woman with a view to reproduction. Can this narrow and
very physical dimension be the essence of marriage? Doesn’t the success of
marriage depend also on a communion between the personality, psychology and
above all the soul of the married couple? What is your opinion? Do you think that
in modern society such a definition of marriage is relevant and realistic?
GITA ASSEFI: Marriage
institution is a serious institution that shouldn’t be confined into cohabitation
of two people and reproduction. In our modern society, we see many examples of
successful marriages in which the couple decide not to have any offspring. We cannot
assume that if there are two people and some children, that is a successful
marriage. In the Victorian period, where having a family life was something
that any dignified person want to have, the reality inside wasn’t very
pleasing. All the things that could bring the demise of a family life happened
behind the close doors. For a marriage life to work, there has to be more.
People should be able to see if they enjoy being together and if they respect
each other’s differences and point of view. More than anything love is the
essence of a good marriage. A marriage without love would be an unhealthy situation
for both people involved.
Songsoptok: It seems that in
today’s society the clash of personalities, especially within marriage, is an
unpleasant reality. Almost 100 years back, D.H.Lawrence said in Lady Chatterley's Lover “The
modern cult of personality is excellent for friendship between sexes, and fatal
for marriage”. In other words, he thought that the development of woman’s
personality is actually a hindrance to successful marriage. What is your opinion?
Do you think that it is the inability of the patriarchal society to tolerate
the independence of women the main reason for the marital conflicts in today’s
society?
GITA ASSEFI: The intolerance
of society towards the independence of women is one of the reasons that trigger
instability in the marriage life. Some men seem not to be fully satisfied with
this new modal of a woman that can do multi-tasking on the contrary to the men.
Some men don’t really comprehend the share of household chores when their wives
have to work both outside and inside. Women too should be aware of the
expectations of their spouses. We just arrive to the same conclusion that the
path to a happy marriage is mutual respect and understanding.
Songsoptok: Do you think that society
perceives a divorced man and woman in the same way? Most of the time we see
that the woman is blamed for not making the necessary compromises. So the
implicit assumption is that the success of a marriage is directly related to
the woman’s capacity to compromise. What is you view?
GITA ASSEFI: If
making a compromise can change things then it should be a mutual compromise.
When there is a need for a divorce, women are usually blamed for. Of course
this can get harsher in more conservative societies. Nowadays as the number of
divorce is skyrocketing, people started to deal with it as a more normal issue.
But still women feel the pressure of acting in accordance to the society’s
norms not to be singled out and stigmatized. Women seem to still carry a big
pressure while married and while divorced. Society seems to have greater
expectation from women than men.
Songsoptok: Do you think that divorce affects
the conscious and the subconscious of the children? What, according to you,
could be the effect of a divorce in their adult lives, positive or negative?
GITA ASSEFI: For
children to be in a family household where their parents constantly fight and
disgrace each other is worse than to live with single parents. Divorce may have
irremediable effects on children if the parents haven’t reached the maturity
level to have a civilised relationship. What is normal and approvable is that
even divorced, parents can do their best for the welfare of their children and
thus to build up a friendly relationship. This may sound hard in the beginning
but once you get a peaceful life and see your kids are still smiling and have
confidence in themselves, you will know that you are doing the right thing.
Songsoptok: Generally it is the mother who takes care of the children
following a divorce. Although children need their mother more while growing up,
what kind of impact can the absence of a father figure have on a growing child?
So what according to you should be the role of the mother?
GITA ASSEFI: Children
definitely need to be with their mothers after divorce, but they also need
their father. Especially, boys need their fathers as a role model. As boys
reach puberty, they want to cut ties with their mothers and step into manhood.
During this time, they definitely need their fathers as a role model more than
any other time. Mothers should facilitate and encourage
the relationship between children and their father.
Songsoptok: What according to you could be
the impact of the growing number of divorces on the next generations? Or do you
think this is the way tomorrow’s society will evolve?
GITA ASSEFI: . I am not so optimistic about the condition of marriage
life in the coming years. When we look at the young people, we see a group of
highly egocentric beings that want the world revolve around them. We see
wealthy, educated parents who endeavour to create perfections by sending their
kids to different courses without putting their skills and feelings into consideration.
We see a society which is becoming more competitive, mechanical, constantly
addicted on their computers, and mobile phones unable to express their
emotions, or communicate. We see a group of people who are constantly bored and
easily ready to end things without enough patience to build and improve. I just
can hope that some kind of awareness will come into people and they make a new
beginning. Some artists paint some paintings, some writers write the history
with its examples and some poets write poems that raise awareness in the
societies. But still for a change to happen, one needs to have an open mind...
GITA ASSEFI: POET
We sincerely thank you
for your time and hope we shall have your continued support.
Aparajita Sen
(Editor:
Songsoptok)
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