Songsoptok: ‘Marriage is a lifelong symphony with one
central theme but the music is played in anew everyday’ – this is a rough
translation of a line from a short story by Rabindranath Tagore. Do you feel
that this comment, made in a period dominated by Victorian romanticism, is true
today?
RIMI PATI: Yes, I feel this comment still
holds true for those couples who wish to honor marriage as a lifelong commitment. Today, as opposed to the
Victorian era, marriage is no longer the most significant point in a woman’s
life, but Tagore’s words are still applicable today. Just like in a symphony, all the players in a
marriage must play their part in a cohesive, synchronized manner, otherwise,
the relationship is bound to suffer.
Songsoptok: What, in your
opinion, is the real chemistry of an intimate relationship? Do you think that
the social institution of marriage is based on that chemistry?
RIMI PATI: The social institution of
marriage is contractual in nature, not necessarily based on romance or physical
chemistry. Today, in Western society, marriages are often based on premises of
good chemistry between the couples. The
emotions and physical symptoms related to feeling strongly attracted to one another is defined as chemistry. But
good chemistry alone is not a true
indicator of long term success in marriage. Men are naturally “hard-wired” for
seeking sexual novelty. The social institution
of marriage cannot be based on fleeting
notions of good chemistry with a prospective partner.
Songsoptok: What according to you are the main factors for
keeping marital relationship alive and healthy?
RIMI PATI: The ability to laugh with one
another is a true sign of vitality in a relationship. Romance cannot exist in a
vacuum. Spontaneous intimacies, ability to indulge each other’s idiosyncrasies,
appreciating partner’s uniqueness, spending quality time with each other – all help to keep
marital relations alive and healthy. A
healthy marital relationship must include a combination of passion, intimacy
and commitment. Being able to enjoy the sunset from the same perspective is a
always a plus in a healthy relationship. If both partners agree and wish to
give each other some breathing space by taking separate vacations that is
perfectly fine too. There is no cookie-cutter
formula to achieving a lively relationship. For me the ability to surprise each
other after three decades is the key.
Songsoptok: Very often we see that a happy
marital relationship results when one of the partners surrender to the other’s
ego. Do you think this is how it should be? Especially since it is most often
the woman that surrenders to the man, or more generally to the patriarchal
system?
RIMI PATI: In unions where submission or
surrender is a precondition, the happy marital relationship is an illusion .
The submissive wife feels victimized and
at some point the anger will surface even if it takes decades to do so.
Today’s women need to step away from such
abusive relationships which often comes cloaked in various religious
disguises as God’s will and social norms.
Songsoptok: Tolstoy said in his
story THE KREUTZER SONATA “... a marriage without love is no marriage at all,
that only love sanctifies marriage, and that the only true marriage is that
sanctified by love”. We all agree that this is how it should be. That there
should not be a tragic end to any marriage. What is the reason then for the
increasing number of divorces in all societies?
RIMI PATI: Although I agree that love
sanctifies marriage but dramatic violent
ending such as the murder in Tolstoy’s story is totally undesirable in real
life. Love cannot be the catch-all phrase that determines a good marriage.
Marital relationships are multifaceted, dynamic and forever changing in
unforeseen patterns. Unrealistic
expectations of love in marriage, inability to work with a partner’s
shortcomings, economic freedom for women and a different set of moral and
social norms have resulted in unprecedented rates of divorce. Such outcomes are
inevitable as society evolves.
Songsoptok: By the word
‘marriage’ we generally think of a well defined relationship built on the tenet
of spending the entire life together. Do you think that this in itself creates
a type of suffocation which leads to break-ups and divorces?
RIMI PATI: Marriages are based on the
premise of a life long tenure. Human
nature, however is not genetically predisposed towards monogamy. A feeling of
suffocation is not unusual but it should not be the sole criteria to leave an
otherwise sound marriage. Break ups and
divorces often occur when the partners were ill suited in the first place and
subsequent attempts to reconcile breaks down repeatedly.
Songsoptok: In a very general way, marriage is understood as the
cohabitation of man and woman with a view to reproduction. Can this narrow and
very physical dimension be the essence of marriage? Doesn’t the success of
marriage depends also on a communion between the personality, psychology and
above all the soul of the married couple? What is your opinion? Do you think
that in modern society such a definition of marriage is relevant and realistic?
RIMI PATI: Today such a definition of
marriage is unrealistic and not inclusive of same-sex partners who cannot
cohabit with a view of reproduction. Marriage is no longer necessary for
cohabitation or reproduction. The communion between psychology, personality and
souls is ideal but a very lofty goal. Today, a couple’s ability to optimize the
operating point of the marital relationship appears to be the key to long term
success once the initial honeymoon phase wears off.
Songsoptok: It seems that in
today’s society the clash of personalities, especially within marriage, is an
unpleasant reality. Almost 100 years back, D.H.Lawrence said in Lady Chatterley's Lover “The
modern cult of personality is excellent for friendship between sexes, and fatal
for marriage”. In other words, he thought that the development of woman’s
personality is actually a hindrance to successful marriage. What is your
opinion? Do you think that it is the inability of the patriarchal society to
tolerate the independence of women the main reason for the marital conflicts in
today’s society?
RIMI PATI: The clash of personalities may be
an unpleasant reality today but the clock cannot be turned back to the Victorian
era. Society must value women’s independence and realize that intelligence is
an asset not a hindrance in a successful
relationship. The patriarchal society is resistant to change
but I do not feel women need to shy away from conflict or deny themselves
opportunities for growth just to appease them.
Songsoptok: Do you think that
society perceives a divorced man and woman in the same way? Most of the time we
see that the woman is blamed for not making the necessary compromises. So the
implicit assumption is that the success of a marriage is directly related to
the woman’s capacity to compromise. What is you view?
RIMI PATI: Yes, women are unfortunately made
to be the scapegoat in many divorce scenarios. Both parties need to compromise
and adjust; not just women. Neither a
man nor a woman should be made to feel like a pariah if they had an unsuccessful
marriage resulting in a divorce. A
marriage that depends solely on the woman’s capacity to compromise can have the
outward signs of success but it is not one I aspire for.
Songsoptok: Do you think that
divorce affects the conscious and the subconscious of the children? What,
according to you, could be the effect of a divorce in their adult lives,
positive or negative?
RIMI PATI: Parental divorce is an
watershed event in the life of any child. When denied of the three R’s – routine, rituals
and reassurance – young children may suffer
from separation anxieties, bed wetting and reversal to an infantile form.
Studies have shown that amicable divorces have no long-term negative impacts on
the offspring’s adult lives. Bitterly disputed divorces, however, can have a
lasting effect on children and may become a hindrance in their adult lives. The
impact on children depend on how the couple conduct themselves in post
–divorce.
Songsoptok: Generally it is the mother who takes care of the children
following a divorce. Although children need their mother more while growing up,
what kind of impact can the absence of a father figure have on a growing child?
So what according to you should be the role of the mother?
RIMI PATI: More often than not fathers are
involuntarily relegated to the role of financial providers in custodial
hearings. Divorced fathers are often
disengaged from their children’s daily lives.
In the absence of the father, children are likely to develop problems in
school, manifest troubled behavior,
delinquency and ultimately youth crimes such as shop lifting or gang activities. The role of the mother is a difficult one as
she is most likely be the one who fulfills both roles. Maintaining continuity
in their existing routines, shielding them from ongoing conflicts and taking
advantage of friends, family and social networks are some
of the ways she can make the best of the
situation at hand.
Songsoptok: What according to you could be
the impact of the growing number of divorces on the next generations? Or do you
think this is the way tomorrow’s society will evolve?
RIMI PATI: Divorce affects most children in
the short run. Gradually these effects diminish in most cases. A modern family today consists of many units.
It can be a family headed by a single mother, it can be a couple with fused
children from earlier marriages, or it can be a same sex couple bringing up an
adopted child. Society is a dynamic entity. I have full faith that society will
evolve to absorb all these changes and find a way to move forward in a positive
way.
RIMI PATI: SOUTH CAROLINA BASED SOCIAL ACTIVIST. EDUCATIONIST. SHE IS
PASSIONATE ABOUT LITERATURE AND DRAMA.
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