Songsoptok: ‘Marriage is a lifelong symphony with one
central theme but the music is played in anew everyday’ – this is a rough
translation of a line from a short story by Rabindranath Tagore. Do you feel
that this comment, made in a period dominated by Victorian romanticism, is true
today?
ABHIJIT: It is an eternal truth. It is a different matter that sometimes the notes
reach very high pitch and strings snap. This is indeed an age of hot headed
madness. But even in the Elizabethan era, didn’t Shakespeare write “Is this the generation of love? Hot blood, hot thoughts and hot
deeds? Why, they are vipers. Is love a generation of vipers?” If romanticism
could survive through that to bloom later in the Victorian era, it can do so
now as well.
Songsoptok:What, in your
opinion, is the real chemistry of an intimate relationship? Do you think that
the social institution of marriage is based on that chemistry?
ABHIJIT: Almost every chemical reaction needs
optimum temperature, pressure and amount of chemical ingredients involved to succeed.
Likewise, every relationship has certain conditions attached to it which are
unique to itself. However, there are two ingredients which are common to all of
them. Those are TRUST and UNDERSTANDING. Those also form the pillars of the
institution of marriage.
Songsoptok: What according to
you are the main factors for keeping marital relationship alive and healthy?
ABHIJIT: The pillars of marital (or for
that matter any other) relationship, as stated above, should be so deeply rooted
and strongly built that any external influence should not be able to shake it.
Open and frank communication between the two individuals in relationship helps in
this matter.
Songsoptok: Very often we see
that a happy marital relationship results when one of the partners surrender to
the other’s ego. Do you think this is how it should be? Especially since it is
most often the woman that surrenders to the man, or more generally to the patriarchal
system?
ABHIJIT: I think it should be a fair
exchange but again that is a matter to be decided jointly by the two
individuals involved in a relationship. While women’s often surrendering to
male ego was a reality in olden days, the table has definitely turned. The
cases involving dominating female partners are very common now-a-days. For an
outsider to judge a relationship from what looks apparent often leads to an
erroneous result.
Songsoptok: Tolstoy said in his story THE
KREUTZER SONATA “... a marriage without love is no marriage at all, that only
love sanctifies marriage, and that the only true marriage is that sanctified by
love”. We all agree that this is how it should be. That there should not be a
tragic end to any marriage. What is the reason then for the increasing number
of divorces in all societies?
ABHIJIT: There can be so many reasons -
starting a marital life without love and unable to carry on (in case of
arranged marriages in India and some other countries), falling out with each
other over the years (this could happen gradually based on change in behavioral
pattern in one of the partners which could be due to many reasons), unhappy sex
life leading to extramarital relationship, finding out about
impotence/frigidity in one of the partners or finding out he/she is gay (yes,
this happens), falling in love with somebody else all over again, greed
(getting to know somebody promising a better lifestyle) – just to name a few.
Songsoptok: By the word ‘marriage’ we
generally think of a well defined relationship built on the tenet of spending
the entire life together. Do you think that this in itself creates a type of
suffocation which leads to break-ups and divorces?
ABHIJIT: It should not because one gets
into this relationship with full knowledge of its implications. In all
marriages, the bride and the groom are reminded of their roles in the relationship
and made to consent / take oath to fulfill those. The problem lies much deeper.
Songsoptok: In a very general way, marriage
is understood as the cohabitation of man and woman with a view to reproduction.
Can this narrow and very physical dimension be the essence of marriage? Doesn’t
the success of marriage depend also on a communion between the personality,
psychology and above all the soul of the married couple? What is your opinion?
Do you think that in modern society such a definition of marriage is relevant
and realistic?
ABHIJIT: During early days in India there
used be a saying ‘पुत्रार्थे क्रियते भार्या’ (Putrarthe Kriyate Bharya –
meaning a wife is required to bear sons) which sounds such an MCP
comment today. It is true that one of the main instincts of all living beings
(homo sapiens included) is to leave behind its bloodline (maybe roots in case
of plant kingdom). The intellect of human race has developed enough to see far
beyond this philosophy. The famous Bengali writer Bankim Chandra Chattopadhyay,
negating the old adage, wrote 'বিবাহে যদি চরিত্রের উন্নতি না ঘটিল, সে বিবাহের প্রয়োজন নাই' (the marriage that does not
improve one’s character is not desirable). I personally think that the married
couples being soul mates, is the most ideal situation for a marriage. Yes, it
is possible in the real world today and I can say that from my personal
experience.
Songsoptok: It seems that in today’s society
the clash of personalities, especially within marriage, is an unpleasant
reality. Almost 100 years back, D.H.Lawrence said in Lady Chatterley's Lover “The
modern cult of personality is excellent for friendship between sexes, and fatal
for marriage”. In other words, he thought that the development of woman’s
personality is actually a hindrance to successful marriage. What is your
opinion? Do you think that it is the inability of the patriarchal society to
tolerate the independence of women the main reason for the marital conflicts in
today’s society?
ABHIJIT: The relationship between two
persons can only prosper through their mutual admiration for each other. Those
men, who still think that they are superior to women, are living in fool’s
paradise. Acceptance of equality among all human beings does not come as a
result of academic education or intelligence. It comes through one’s attitude. At
the same time, sometimes the attitude of some women to do certain things just
to prove a point also do not help. One cannot clap with one hand alone. For
that both hands need to come together. I think both sides are to be blamed for
the situation but yes, men are to be blamed a little more than women.
Songsoptok: Do you think that society
perceives a divorced man and woman in the same way? Most of the time we see
that the woman is blamed for not making the necessary compromises. So the
implicit assumption is that the success of a marriage is directly related to
the woman’s capacity to compromise. What is you view?
ABHIJIT: No, the life of a divorced woman
is definitely a lot harder than a divorced man. However, I don’t like the word
compromise. In a relationship, adjustments are to be made out of love, not
compulsion. It does not matter who takes more steps to reach that point. In a
situation where one party is farther from the logical line of adjustment, he or
she has to take a few steps more than the other. That should not be construed
as a compromise. Such insensitive comments from friends and relatives also sow
seed of discontent and give rise to rigidity.
Songsoptok: Do you think that divorce affects
the conscious and the subconscious of the children? What, according to you,
could be the effect of a divorce in their adult lives, positive or negative?
ABHIJIT: It definitely does. The rift
between the two people they love most affect their psyche tremendously. More
so, as they are mostly unable to understand the reason or discuss it with
someone else. At times they also face sarcastic remarks from their friends and
fellow students as children at times can be cruel with words unaware of the
insensitivity of those comments. Children are the worst sufferers in a divorce
unless it is because of physical abuse of which they are also victims.
Songsoptok: Generally it is the mother who
takes care of the children following a divorce. Although children need their
mother more while growing up, what kind of impact can the absence of a father
figure have on a growing child? So what according to you should be the role of
the mother?
ABHIJIT: This is a bit tricky. While
children certainly are attached to their mother, they also often see their
father as a role model. A single mother, however much she tries, cannot fill in
that spot. However, this situation is not unique to divorced women as widows,
who do not remarry, also face the same. If the mother chooses to remarry,
acceptance of a stranger (sometimes a little familiar person) as father by the
children remains a big question. If she stays single, children suffer from
absence of a father. In my opinion, the best course for a divorced mother would
be to discuss the matter frankly with her children as soon as possible.
Children are more matured than we think they are.
Songsoptok: What according to
you could be the impact of the growing number of divorces on the next
generations? Or do you think this is the way tomorrow’s society will evolve?
ABHIJIT:
In near future It is already affecting a small percentage of the next
generation who are either afraid or reluctant to get into a marital
relationship. Some of them are open to the idea of living together but some
don’t want even that. However, in my opinion, majority still believe in the
institution of marriage and I don’t foresee any major changes in the societal
structure in.
ABHIJIT CHATTERJEE:
UNDER SECRETARY IN FOREIGN SERVICE INSTITUTE OF MINISTRY OF
EXTERNAL AFFAIRS IN NEW DELHI.
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