Marriage is a
custom practiced in every nation around the world . Many today view a wedding as a time of joy and happiness. A partnership within which
people can build a life , create and extend the family ,
join in pursuits that satisfy the needs of one's emotional , intellectual , and physical well being .
Customs vary
greatly under different cultures but inevitably most are preceded with a large gathering of family and friends which can be elaborately
celebrated or done with a simple ceremony. The hope for many
is that a fully satisfied life and a cheerful contentment be acquired and for one to be loved in
perpetuity. Of course this is "the ideal".
As we become more
educated , this is still the ideal, but we find the institution itself is fraught with difficulty not because of the
institution, but of our own expectations and limitations. Our
own characters, a true lack of insight on the fullness of how a "good marriage" should
operate , as well as
the baggage of
"fairy tales" , traditions , lack of education in how to navigate the inevitable obstacles that present themselves as time and intimacy
expose both our own personal weaknesses and the ability or inability to
communicate effectively with each other . Reality sets in , you find
differences that appear irreconcilable , distance due to conflict and
challenges creating disappointments and anxieties about own's own , or the
others competence and the possible failure of the union .
Having been
married once (far far too young ) having been literally cajoled into it , having a father who appeared neither to care whether the man
would make a responsible or happy match , or whether I
would land on the street homeless and hungry.(yes the subservience of women is still an attitude
held and ingrained in the West and can still be quite
demeaning) Since then I have spent considerably time in educating myself on some of the necessary
parameters that may increase, though not insure but will certainly
strengthen the ability to have a long and lasting marriage. Of course this
presentation might itself be only for those whose minds are flexible
enough to mold a more competent ideology into one's own perspectives
.
Our own humanity
can be at once relatively simple and extremely complex , but most will
agree that Love is a requirement to succeed in any union be it family or marriage . Defining what that entails can be more difficult
. Attraction , chemistry , sexuality are often mistaken for a far more
reaching and encompassing definition , whose height ,
breadth , and depth are at times elusive and seemingly indefinable . Love itself
covers a full spectrum of behaviors and character that is to be displayed
in all of our relationships and no marriage can be considered as successful without them (even if the
time endurance is lengthy), But without these qualities
being given attention and development , a marriage can exist but one will have to question it's
benevolence to those within the union .
Those of us with
deeply a held belief as said in ancient writings that "God is Love" are required to put on the character or cloth ourselves with
these traits. Among them are gentleness , goodness , patience ,
kindness , generosity, faith tenderness , loyalty , fidelity , peacefulness
, forgiveness (cause you know he, as well you darlin' are gonna need that
one badly), mercy, endurance , maturity, protectiveness , humility , understanding and consideration and every
other enlightened virtue we could here discuss. And while I could wax and
write endlessly about how these are displayed in one's life and a great
amount of examples in how they interact both in the physical
and ethereal realm. I must for lack of time and space allow all of you to dig in , research ,
meditate, refine and incorporate these into your own families
and loved ones. To create, to build , to mold lives that contain the best of that which we can
perceive and practice.
Yet these can be
construed a mere preparation to the full fledged engagement of them required to make a sound and prosperous marriage. A mere knowing or
learning of these qualities does not ensure one's ability to put them
into practice, in truth only an ardent effort to enforce them into our
everyday ACTIONS can assure that they have the positive influence for
which they are intended. Indeed both parties will have to continue to grow
and enact these as essential to acquire the success desired. They are as
fundamental to the building of a solid marriage as a blueprint is to an
architect. Without the application of a loving character that builds the
relationship , an uneasy alliance that will quickly fail when the trials of our own nature's ,
attacks from outside sources , financial and health
difficulties beset the house you are endeavoring to build.
All to often
(presently in too many nations) in different cultures we have mere children forced into unions whose only relevance is her mind and body,
a vessel of usury and lust by the one to whom she has
become an indentured slave. Where verbal and physical abuse is the norm
and her person has no apparent meaningful existence within this
arrangement except to satisfy the wants and desires of a single person and to produce children or heirs. Much more could be detailed in a discussion regarding the failures of mankind
to protect their own progeny. Ultimately the destructive behavior of those
who still hold to some kind of misogyny with regard to
a partnership in a marriage still employ behaviors such as violence ,
selfishness , hatred , neglect , rage , verbal and physical abuse ,
adultery , dishonesty , disloyalty and any number of other negative character traits that will produce a
realm of pain that drive many to seek to damage those around
them .(Sorry ladies some of you fall under the same condemnation). Children have not had the time or
the experience to develop a fully competent character
to succeed in a marriage ,and a good portion of us consider men who wish to have sex with children to be
the most depraved on the planet. This is not to say the
same conditions don't occur with regard to persons married at a later age. I am to this day horrified
by what occurs both here and abroad that passes for marriage and is
anything but slavery.
In the Western
World many have become victims of a travesty, a world view by corporate media , of Booze , Bands , Broads , Bacchanal's , the HOT date ,
eye candy , that easy bed , a face to die for , and the
throw away society of discarded people in the pursuit of pleasure and a
life so devoid of value one wonders why some bother to marry except to satisfy self's ego .
Frequently
repeated is "Men give love to get sex , Women give sex to get Love" and that is a poor analysis of what could be construed as the least
likely avenue to build a lifetime of mutual appreciation and growth into a
depth of connection unlikely to be destroyed. It all to frequently
encompasses the relationships now budding rapidly in the nations , as many
are far too immature and uneducated in how to choose a mate outside of
sexual attraction. Chemistry may be a necessary factor , but a lack of cohesiveness in ideological ,
morality and education will severely limit the satisfaction
many are looking to obtain. Anyone marrying someone who hold's to the above perspectives will find a
marriage which is one sided and lacking desirability .
While man has
dominated man and woman to the point of tyranny we do not find it to produce anything but more of the same. We observe thousands of
years where power over others has lead to a continued war
of pain ,oppression and formidable suffering that continues to erode societies and nations and
families. We do find however that a full co-operation with
the intent to provide every positive interaction can produce a family
environment where every member is of equal value with much more security, affection, growth and an increased intelligence and ability to carry the same values forward in the community and the future. A marriage that is self serving will
ultimately fail to produce children who will become the
builders of the future. While I digress that a bad environment will drive many to seek the excellence
they have lacked , a positive marriage is more likely to
produce the desirable traits in the following generation.
My personal
preference in my pursuit on the subject is that which should help build a marriage and not destroy those within it's realm . So I won't go
into a diatribe of the pluses and pitfalls of the
traditional patriarchal perspective. It is evident that the sheer magnitude of energy and strength in the
male equips him with the ability to abundantly perform tasks that require
a more principal role in providing for a families physical
needs and well as others as required. Where we find the complementary sensitivity in the female in
her flexibility to both attend, nurture and build an
environment where affection and learning are free to grow. While many are ready to jump ship and cry
"equal" , truly the gift of life and love are equal to all
, but every functioning unit, be it business , farming , education whatever field of pursuit existing
, someone must have a role to take up , and it should be one suited to the
station. The diversity of skill , intelligence , education ,
religion , and philosophy and maturity will affect just how each can function within the framework of
the family. The demands are equal to everyone for the
dispensing of affection , teaching , physical needs and a variety of
disciplines to be worked out to cover any thought of being left out of the "work load" (ask any
family just how much will be required to carry out one's
"duties" )
Since I am writing
from a woman's perspective I might add that many studies have attempted to
figure the monetary value on a woman's activities in the home. The amounts for an hourly wage have proved that the average
man could not possibly afford to have separately , a
chef , a maid , a teacher, a psychologist , a household manager , a purchasing agent , a gardener , accountant and any other fields of service regarding care of home and
family. While these studies have generated a great deal of
levity , the truth is while in my years of attending "Sunday public
talks" there is one I am not likely to ever forget . The minister covered not just these studies but his
own perspectives that portrayed such a deep
appreciation and immense affection for all his wife's capabilities and how
highly he valued her. I came away with the greatest pleasure of knowing just one man who could so put to words
his love for another and all that person meant to him
and brought into the union. Indeed it is unlikely I would ever marry someone who could not express both privately and openly such a love ...
In retrospect a
marriage is both a promise and a Contract. A promise to Love , cherish , and contribute all the best one has to give until
one's own demise from this world. The marriage contract is the open vow to
the giving up of a solitary existence to become a partner in life and
through it has resolved openly and publicly to Love , care
and seek the welfare of his partner and family .
[BY POETRYOFPROVIDENCE C MICHAEL MILLER ]
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