Songsoptok: ‘Marriage is a lifelong symphony with one central
theme but the music is played in anew everyday’ – this is a rough translation
of a line from a short story by Rabindranath Tagore. Do you feel that this
comment, made in a period dominated by Victorian romanticism, is true today?
IULIA: Yes, I
do think so! Marriage is a symphony! My only amendment
is that the roles of the conductor and lead violin must be, at all time, interchangeable...
Songsoptok: What, in
your opinion, is the real chemistry of an intimate relationship? Do you think
that the social institution of marriage is based on that chemistry?
IULIA: In a intimate relationship are all
kind of chemistries: hormonal or of a more
subtle nature, the social institution of marriage has a history by
itself, somehow different, having more prosaic goals, like union of fortunes
for example, nothing intimate here:) Nowadays there is indeed a tendency that
the intimate chemistry of a couple to become the base of the social marriage
institution.
Songsoptok: What according to you are the main factors for
keeping marital relationship alive and healthy?
IULIA: The main factor is respect. Losing it the partnership is over. Love,
passion, lust all fade due to the passing of the time, if we build bridges of
respect amongst us any type of relation will last, alive and healthy
altoghther.
Songsoptok: Very
often we see that a happy marital relationship results when one of the partners
surrender to the other’s ego. Do you think this is how it should be? Especially
since it is most often the woman that surrenders to the man, or more generally
to the patriarchal system?
IULIA: We have a saying in Romania: One is not stupid enough if one is not full
of ego... in other words the smart one surrenders for he has a bigger perspective
over things, but in my view that is not a happy marriage. This patriarchal
system will touch its limits sooner or later, there are places on this planet
where this thing already happened, in the most civilized places of the
planet...
Songsoptok: Tolstoy
said in his story THE KREUTZER SONATA “... a marriage without love is no
marriage at all, that only love sanctifies marriage, and that the only true
marriage is that sanctified by love”. We all agree that this is how it should
be. That there should not be a tragic end to any marriage. What is the reason
then for the increasing number of divorces in all societies?
IULIA: First thing first, a divorce is not a tragic end of a
marriage. A murder is. A divorce can be a friendly and civilized end of a marriage,
depends of the quality of the people involved. The increasing number of
divorces might be due the fact people understood that love is a hormonal
manifestation, and if not doubled by other condiments, it will evaporate in a
particular period of time and having
only one life, they better split and find new opportunities to meet love... The right to pursuit the
happiness is fundamental
Songsoptok: By the
word ‘marriage’ we generally think of a well defined relationship built on the
tenet of spending the entire life together. Do you think that this in itself
creates a type of suffocation which leads to break-ups and divorces?
IULIA: It might create such a suffocation,
especially for men, though, from my experience speaking, I had many panic
attacks thinking that I have to live a lifetime with my husband. Meanwhile
problem solved, I am happily divorced! And I was fast and smart enough to do it
when my kid was 3 months old, so she doesn't really suffer due to his
absence... By the way, his absence and indifference were the motives for the
divorce in the first place...
Songsoptok: In a very general way, marriage is understood
as the cohabitation of man and woman with a view to reproduction. Can this
narrow and very physical dimension be the essence of marriage? Doesn’t the
success of marriage depends also on a communion between the personality,
psychology and above all the soul of the married couple? What is your opinion?
Do you think that in modern society such a definition of marriage is relevant
and realistic?
IULIA: Maybe yes, maybe not!!! There are layers of this marriage thing.
Primarily, the instinct rules. All these thousands of years of civilization are
only coating an ugly truth: we are in search of our immortality and for now the
only way to find it, it is by reproduction.
Songsoptok: It seems
that in today’s society the clash of personalities, especially within marriage,
is an unpleasant reality. Almost 100 years back, D.H.Lawrence said in Lady
Chatterley's Lover “The modern cult of personality is excellent for friendship
between sexes, and fatal for marriage”. In other words, he thought that the
development of woman’s personality is actually a hindrance to successful
marriage. What is your opinion? Do you think that it is the inability of the
patriarchal society to tolerate the independence of women the main reason for
the marital conflicts in today’s society?
IULIA: Yes, I do believe that. How can a man accept an equal in his yard when he
was taught that the woman must be his slave, something even less important than
his sheep...
Songsoptok: Do you
think that society perceives a divorced man and woman in the same way? Most of
the time we see that the woman is blamed for not making the necessary
compromises. So the implicit assumption is that the success of a marriage is
directly related to the woman’s capacity to compromise. What is you view?
IULIA: Yes, I agree, the patriarchal
society does discriminates women in all issues, not only divorce or marriage.
For a marriage to be successful it needs a joint effort. Too many compromises
in a marriage equals unhappy marriage, in other words, hell on Earth ! And why
not to blame the women when it is so comfortable to do it?!
Songsoptok: Do you
think that divorce affects the conscious and the subconscious of the children?
What, according to you, could be the effect of a divorce in their adult lives,
positive or negative?
IULIA: The divorce affects everybody, it is a bitter pill for all if not managed
in a civilized manner. I tend to think it has a positive impact on the long
run, in their adult lives they will be more selective when it comes to settle
in.
Songsoptok: Generally it is the mother who takes care of
the children following a divorce. Although children need their mother more
while growing up, what kind of impact can the absence of a father figure have
on a growing child? So what according to you should be the role of the mother?
IULIA: The mother covers all roles. She
has infinite reservoirs of love so she can make the father's absence
unnoticeable ... All it takes is love!
Songsoptok: What
according to you could be the impact of the growing number of divorces on the
next generations? Or do you think this is the way tomorrow’s society will
evolve?
IULIA: I think this divorce frenzy it will pass. People get old, their children
witnessed all the divorce shows, so they will be smarter when choosing a
partner, maybe the marriage institution
will disappear but relationships no way, our immortality wish is stronger
:)
IULIA GHERGHEI: POET
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