The
institution of marriage has been a process of constant evolution. Ancient
Hebrews, Indians or Chinese all practiced polygamy. The idea of marriage as a sexually exclusive
partnership between one man and one woman is relatively modern. The first
recorded evidence of marriage contracts and ceremonies dates back 4000 years in
Mesopotamia. The purpose of marriage was the production of heirs, as implied by
the Latin word matrimonium, which is derived from mater, mother. I was not
surprised to learn that for most of human history love played no role in
marriage. Even as late as 18th century, the French philosopher Montesquieu
declared, any man who was in love with his wife is too dull to be loved by
another woman.
Some
sense of an elevated status for matrimonial unions exists in all cultures.
Marriage is one of the most important as well as revered samaskara in Hindu
religion. An unmarried person is only half complete till he is joined with
consort or his counterpart. “Atho ardho vas ha atmanah yat patni” In
Christianity marriage is regarded as a free mutual agreement or contract
officiated by a priest and witnessed by friends and family. For a long time ninety percent of all couples
stayed in that union till death did them apart. For a Hindu widow remarriage
was not an option even after the spouse’s death. That however was not the case in Islam,
Christianity or the Jewish faith. Now let me fast forward to the last half of
twentieth century.
Somewhere
in the last fifty years this scenario has changed drastically. Our expectations of marriage and rules of
engagement have undergone dramatic changes. As Feminist movements gained strength,
Western women began to demand equal rights as their husbands. At the same time,
rise of effective contraception allowed couples to decide how many children
they wanted to have or choose not to have any at all. Cohabitation became
commonplace by the eighties and marriage for the purpose of reproduction
started looking obsolete by the 1990’s.
Surprisingly despite the staggering percentage of failed
marriages and a steadily climbing divorce rate, popular culture still
holds the fairy tale wedding, as it’s ideal. I find that average women still want to get married
but the date has been pushed back further and further. Today thirty plus brides
are the norm where as in the past such women would have been relegated to
spinsterhood by the society. These changes are apparent even
in traditional societies like in India as more women go for higher education
and hold salaried positions. There is nothing wrong with the first part of the
scenario, where girl meets boy, and a fairy tale wedding is on the charts. Many
couples and their parents throw caution to the winds and spend huge amounts of
money on an extravagant wedding and honeymoon. Statistics suggest it is better
to focus resources on what happens after the honeymoon. It is common for couples to go into debt
paying for a dream wedding. The common sentiment is “why not go the whole hog
for the happiest day of your life?” Unfortunately, the “happiest day “ is short
lived and often not the one that holds an elevated position in one’s memory for
long as reality sinks in. The wedding
day merely serves to raise expectations too high. Keeping the ceremony simple,
intimate and relatively less costly is generally the best avenue for most young
couples. Being swayed by high priced celebrity marriage trends is best avoided.
“We
will tandem as man and wife, Daisy, Daisy, Ped’ling away down the road of
life.” (Harry Dacre’s 1890’s song, Daisy Bell) Tandem biking and marriages have
a lot in common. Before we go into what leads to divorce, let us talk about ways
to avoid going down that abysmal path. Couples are often out of sync, and pedaling
the bike at different speeds. Many spend years together without specifying or
sharing their dreams. We have to maneuver around detours, rough terrain and rad
block to continue on our destination. Marriage, like tandem biking requires teamwork,
cooperation, compromise and above all communication. Riding the bike of
marriage can be fun or exciting or dull and disappointing depending on how you
approach the relationship.
From
the vantage point of my own thirty four years of marriage, I can say that
today’s young men and women need to adjust their expectations and be able to
wither periods of suffocation and even loathing of your partner. Marriage has
now become a personal contract between two equals seeking love, stability and
happiness. As people took more control of their love lives, they began to
demand the right to end unhappy unions. Truly unhappy or abusive relationships
should be terminated. Most women fear not being able to face the challenge of
upheaval, security and change to their known secure lifestyles. People often
stay together for the sake of children. An abrasive, loveless rocky or abusive relationship
filled with violent confrontations is detrimental to children’s welfare in the
long run. Such relationships should end as soon as legally allowed.
But
I am not in favor of divorce when there is no serious mal function in the
relationship that cannot be salvaged by intervention. Marital longevity
requires wives to establish strong individual identities separate from their
husbands. Women resort to several coping mechanisms such as maintaining a tight
circle of female friends, short flirtatious liaisons with boundaries, separate
hobbies. It is not necessary to experience each stage of personal growth
together. Divorce does not necessarily
offer opportunities for rejuvenation. Space can be found in togetherness, not
apart.
Cohabitation
before marriage is the norm in Western society today and I do not harbor any
ill feelings towards this practice but it is not a substitution for marriage.
Society and the institution of marriage have evolved and will continue to do so
and reflect the current societal norms. Today marriage is no longer defined as
the union between one man and one woman, an unthinkable idea even a decade
back. At this point of time I do not feel that the institution is doomed or
worthless. Marriage, our most intimate journey will continue for the time being
even if the couple’s approach, gender identity
and coupling practice bear little resemblance to the past.
[RIMI PATI]
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